Women will stare at your member like at the museum

Subject: Re: Women will stare at your member like at the museum
To: Fernando Heath

Hey Fernando,

You mean they'll be wearing audioguide headphones while getting jostled by groups of squawking school children? I'd rather they didn't, to be honest, that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone.

Yours in nervous anticipation,
Simon

Add mba to your name

Subject: Re: Add mba to your name
To: Gapishko

Dear Gapishko,

What a great idea, thanks! Just contacted my bank, so hopefully new cards and chequebook will be with me shortly. Passport and driving license updates will follow.

Very best wishes,
Simbamon

The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom

Subject: Re: The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom
To: Rusty Lara

Hi Rusty,

If you're talking about, for instance, chocolate cake, then I'm with you 100%, but it's not always true and to be perfectly honest I think it's a bit irresponsible of you to claim otherwise. For reference, here's a short list of things for which bigger is generally accepted to not be better:
Accidentally self-inflicted axe wound
Score of the team you're playing football against
Gallstone
Dog poo on clothing

Please think more carefully before contacting me again.
Simon

Now she can't get her hands off me

Subject: Re: Now she can't get her hands off me
To: Crawford Win

Hi Crawford,

Try acetone - or if you can't get hold of any straight acetone, nail varnish remover should work. Failing that, a soak in good old warm soapy water should eventually do the trick. See this page for more details. Be more careful in future!

Cheers,
Simon

Amaze your girl with your new dimension

Subject: Re: Amaze your girl with your new dimension
To: Juana Billings

Ms Billings,

As you will no doubt be aware, I recently started to exist in Minkowski spacetime. I did as you suggested and attempted to amaze my girl, but as she only currently exists in conventional Euclidean space, she lacks the faculties necessary to understand what I was doing or where I was going, and my to-ing and fro-ing in the fourth dimension was entirely lost on her. As a compromise, I jumped up and down on the bed - motion along the traditional Cartesian z-coordinate - but she's seen that kind of thing before, and was not particularly impressed.

Sorry it didn't work out,
Best,
Simon

Over 10 million men made their women happy, and you?

Subject: Re: Over 10 million men made their women happy, and you?
To: Albrecht Collier

Dear Mr Collier,

At the time of writing, over 10 million men have not yet made me happy. Rest assured I will let you know if the situation changes.

Best wishes,
Simon

Refinance Your ARM Today

Subject: Re: Refinance Your ARM Today
To: Wendell

Hello Wendell,

Thanks for the instruction. What kind of terms are you offering? Does it matter which one I refinance? I currently have two, but I'm left handed, so the left one is more important to me at the moment. Would I still be able to continue using it? And although I'm generally in reasonable health, I'm probably not as strong as I used to be, so it's fair to say I don't have the biggest biceps in the world. Is this significant? Is hair coverage important? Sorry for the questions, but I hope you can appreciate that I'll need a bit more information before signing any contracts.

Thanks,
Simon

Turn your rifle into a bazooka

Subject: Re: Turn your rifle into a bazooka
To: Kerwin

Kerwin,

I don't own a rifle. You may not be aware of this, but the UK has strict gun control laws, and even though I do live in the countryside, there's no reason for me to have one, especially since I generally think of myself as an anti-hunting pacifist.

Did you mean to say trifle?

Hi. Remember me?

Subject: Re: Hi. Remember me?
To: Grover Vogt

Nope, sorry.

Guess What Happens Next

Subject: Re: Guess What Happens Next
To: Nowotka

Oh, yeah, I know this one. It's the 2007 Rugby World Cup final between England and South Africa at the Stade de France, right? England's centre Toby Flood challenges South Africa's fullback Percy Montgomery for the ball.

Then...

Percy Montgomery crashes into a television camera after being pushed over the dead ball line by Toby Flood. Hilarious! Luckily, as I remember, neither player was hurt - and the TV camera operator escaped unhurt too.

Ask me another!

Simon