Tuesday, 10 November 2009

All stars use Acai Berry to have a hot body

Subject: Re: All stars use Acai Berry to have a hot body
To: Jesus Chan

Hello Jesus,

Are you sure? Can you confirm this? I was under the impression that most of them used thermonuclear fusion as a source of heat, with main sequence stars converting hydrogen into helium, post-main sequence ones generally fusing helium into heavier elements like beryllium, carbon and oxygen. If what you're saying is true, then I think it's time to buy shares in Holland & Barrett.

best wishes,

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Set Fire To Your Woman In The Bedroom

Subject: Re: Set Fire To Your Woman In The Bedroom
To: Shemika Liggins

Hi Shemika,

Thanks for your email. Sorry it's taken me a while to write back, I've been in police custody for a while and haven't had access to my computer. Anyway, thought I'd quickly write with a few updates, I know you'll be curious to know what's been happening.

Louise is out of intensive care now and seems to be doing okay, although it'll be a while before the bandages can come off, and she spends most of her time asleep. Not sure I'll get chance to see her before the court case next week, but fingers crossed.

The house is in a bit of a mess, too, and unfortunately I never got round to getting any contents insurance. Sod's law, eh! I don't think any of the neighbouring properties were damaged though, so that's good news.

Has my lawyer been in touch yet? She wanted to ask you a couple of things, so hope you don't mind but I passed your email address on so she could write to you directly. Not sure what that's about, wait and see I guess.

Okay, well, better sign off for now. Hope all's well with you.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Watch Shop

Subject: Re: Watch Shop
To: Myra Romano

Wait, hold on - where are you going? How long will you be? I HAVE NO RETAIL EXPERIENCE! Plus I have a meeting in a couple of hours. Where are the keys? I don't even know how to work the till! What's your returns policy? WHERE ARE THE CARRIER BAGS? Isn't there anyone else you can ask?

You owe me big time for this,

Do You Still Trust Me?

Subject: Re: Do You Still Trust Me?
To: Vaughn Colon

No. Not after what you did to my dog.

It's best that you don't come round here any more.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

Relax, the blue pill will do everything for you

Subject: Re: Relax, the blue pill will do everything for you
To: Floyd Griffin


Great news, I had no idea. Off the top of my head, here's some stuff that needs taking care of:
1. Rising damp in utility room
2. Couple of small scratches to paintwork of passenger side door of the Toyota
3. New logo for an arts-based non-profit
4. We're getting quite low on milk
5. Rob's birthday's coming up, and I haven't got him anything

#3 is pretty urgent - they want to see a first draft by Friday. Other things can wait a while.

Does it automatically know these things? Or do I have to tell it? Let me know.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Relaxation, Religion or Chocolate?

Subject: Re: Relaxation, Religion or Chocolate?
To: Isango

Dear Isango,

What an exquisite dilemma. I love chocolate with all my heart, but at the same time I'm also in desperate need of relaxation. Tell you what, before we go any further let's rule out religion. I don't have a great deal of interest in any of that right now, and can't imagine doing so in the near future either.

So that leaves us with chocolate or relaxation. The two remaining things are by no means mutually exlusive, of course - I often find that eating chocolate, or even smelling it, is a relaxing experience, although conversely, relaxing rarely creates chocolate. If only it did!

I think I'll go for chocolate then, please. Unless of course it's religious chocolate, in which case I'd prefer a nice box of relaxation. What happens now? Do you need my postal address?


Wednesday, 25 March 2009

It is not necessary to be ashamed of yourself

Subject: Re: It is not necessary to be ashamed of yourself
To: Rosendo Tucker


You wouldn't say that if you saw what I did this morning.


Monday, 23 March 2009

Ladies Stand Out in a Crowd

Subject: Re: Ladies Stand Out in a Crowd
To: Lacey Hand


This isn't always true. What if it's a crowd of ladies? What if the ladies are small and somewhere near the back? What if they're dressed in camouflage? What then, Lacey? What then?


Thursday, 19 March 2009

How much does it cost to eat in Florida?

Subject: Re: How much does it cost to eat in Florida?
To: Rex Pollard

Dear Rex,

Thank you for your enquiry. I'm pleased to tell you that eating in Florida is absolutely FREE, and there is at present no state-wide charge for the fundamental human activity of chewing and swallowing edible foodstuffs, or indeed any plan to introduce one. Food itself, however, is generally not free. Prices vary depending on the type, quality and quantity of food you wish to acquire, in addition to more subtle factors such as the location of the vendor - as a guide, you could pay anything from as little as 5 cents up to hundreds of dollars. Rest assured though, once you have successfully obtained some food, you will not have to pay again in order to eat it.

For the record, this is also true of the neighbouring states, Georgia and Alabama. As for states further afield, I couldn't say for sure, but on a personal note, I'd be surprised if their laws were any different.

I hope this sets your mind at rest.

Best wishes,

Sunday, 1 February 2009

The affordable watch alternative

Subject: Re: The affordable watch alternative
To: Emory Conrad

Is it a miniature sundial?

Friday, 9 January 2009

Women will stare at your member like at the museum

Subject: Re: Women will stare at your member like at the museum
To: Fernando Heath

Hey Fernando,

You mean they'll be wearing audioguide headphones while getting jostled by groups of squawking school children? I'd rather they didn't, to be honest, that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone.

Yours in nervous anticipation,

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Add mba to your name

Subject: Re: Add mba to your name
To: Gapishko

Dear Gapishko,

What a great idea, thanks! Just contacted my bank, so hopefully new cards and chequebook will be with me shortly. Passport and driving license updates will follow.

Very best wishes,

The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom

Subject: Re: The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom
To: Rusty Lara

Hi Rusty,

If you're talking about, for instance, chocolate cake, then I'm with you 100%, but it's not always true and to be perfectly honest I think it's a bit irresponsible of you to claim otherwise. For reference, here's a short list of things for which bigger is generally accepted to not be better:
Accidentally self-inflicted axe wound
Score of the team you're playing football against
Dog poo on clothing

Please think more carefully before contacting me again.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Now she can't get her hands off me

Subject: Re: Now she can't get her hands off me
To: Crawford Win

Hi Crawford,

Try acetone - or if you can't get hold of any straight acetone, nail varnish remover should work. Failing that, a soak in good old warm soapy water should eventually do the trick. See this page for more details. Be more careful in future!


Friday, 2 January 2009

Amaze your girl with your new dimension

Subject: Re: Amaze your girl with your new dimension
To: Juana Billings

Ms Billings,

As you will no doubt be aware, I recently started to exist in Minkowski spacetime. I did as you suggested and attempted to amaze my girl, but as she only currently exists in conventional Euclidean space, she lacks the faculties necessary to understand what I was doing or where I was going, and my to-ing and fro-ing in the fourth dimension was entirely lost on her. As a compromise, I jumped up and down on the bed - motion along the traditional Cartesian z-coordinate - but she's seen that kind of thing before, and was not particularly impressed.

Sorry it didn't work out,

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Over 10 million men made their women happy, and you?

Subject: Re: Over 10 million men made their women happy, and you?
To: Albrecht Collier

Dear Mr Collier,

At the time of writing, over 10 million men have not yet made me happy. Rest assured I will let you know if the situation changes.

Best wishes,