Women will stare at your member like at the museum

Subject: Re: Women will stare at your member like at the museum
To: Fernando Heath

Hey Fernando,

You mean they'll be wearing audioguide headphones while getting jostled by groups of squawking school children? I'd rather they didn't, to be honest, that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone.

Yours in nervous anticipation,
Simon

See Your Dick Swelling Day By Day

Subject: Re: See Your Dick Swelling Day By Day
To: Giancarlo Ibrahim

Giancarlo,

At what point do you expect it to stop? Will it ever stop, do you think? Curious to know whether I'll have to buy new trousers, or worse, a new house.

Please write back ASAP.
Simon

Bigger Dick Is Not Just An Illusion

To: Luigi Sneed
Subject: Re: Bigger Dick Is Not Just An Illusion

Luigi, hi.

Interesting. So you're saying that bigger dick is an illusion, but that's not all - it's something else as well. Hmmm. Personally, I had a feeling that it was an illusion (but I gotta admit, man, I thought it was just an illusion!), but my friend didn't agree, she thought it was actually real. Like, the dick was actually bigger. Ha ha! Wait till I tell her, she'll be so embarrassed.

So, I'm curious to know - what else is it, in addition to being an illusion?

Yours in anticipation,
Simon

May I Ask Why You're So Unhappy With Your Dick?

To: Totally Satisfied
Subject: Re: May I Ask Why You're So Unhappy With Your Dick?

Dear Mr/Ms Satisfied,

Yes, by all means, you may ask me why I'm so unhappy with my dick. I look forward to your question. However, I must warn you that the answer you're likely to receive is not one that you'll be expecting. My instinct tells me that you're looking for me to say something along the lines of 'because it is too tiny!' or even 'because I suffer from erectile dysfunction and cannot pleasure my wife!', and then you'll no doubt reply with the offer of some weird mis-spelled pill for knock-down price that'll solve all of my sex woes. The thing is, I actually quite like my dick. I've seen a few, in real life, on TV, in books etc., and while I'll be the first to admit that it's not the world's most gigantic, it's also, from what I can gather, by no means the world's tiniest. It's not too thin, it's not too fat, it's certainly not too soft, it's not covered in gaping, pustulent sores or absurdly crooked, and it doesn't even usually smell too bad.

So the answer to the question of why I'm so unhappy with my dick, if and when you do get round to asking me, is probably going to be related to the Japanese concept of 'mu'. Here's what we have:
You: Why do you curse your lamentable member?
Me: mu/disconnect/cannot answer

For future reference, here's a more productive line of questioning.
Version 1 -
You: Are you displeased with your tool?
Me: No
You: That's great to hear, you are very fortunate. Many men are unsatisfied and resort to buying medicines of unknown provenance over the internet. Good day to you, and best wishes.

Version 2 -
You: Are you displeased with your tool?
Me: Yes
You: In what way?
Me: It resembles a peanut in both size and colour.
You: I can bring happiness into your life with my home-made pharmaceuticals, which I will sell to you for a mere handful of dollars.
Me: Hooray!

Hope to hear from you soon,
Regards,
Simon

As Your Dick Gets Larger, No Woman Will Say 'No'

To: Donald Z. Goldman
Subject: Re: As Your Dick Gets Larger, No Woman Will Say 'No'

Hi Donald,

Not even to the question 'Is My Dick Too Large?' ?

Looking forward to hearing your answer,
Simon