A decent watch will raise you in the eyes of everybody

To: Chang Yeager
Subject: Re: A decent watch will raise you in the eyes of everybody

Chang,
I'm sure it will, yeah, but only by half an inch at the most, right? Surely I'd be better off standing on some sort of box? Like a milk crate or something? Or how about a ladder? Would that be too obvious?

Let me know, thanks,
Simon

Watch Her Blow Your Little Monster

To: Your Happiness
Subject: Re: Watch Her Blow Your Little Monster

Dear Mr Happiness,

Thanks for your email. I did as you instructed. It was fun. Here is a photograph to prove it.



I look forward to hearing from you again.

Best wishes,
Simon

A big penis always matches any woman's hole

To: Inez Burgos
Subject: Re: A big penis always matches any woman's hole

Inez,

I think you're wrong. Off the top of my head I can think of a few women's holes that a big penis would not match. Here are some:
1. A very small hole
2. An enormous hole
3. A key hole
4. A Schwarzschild non-rotating black hole

Admittedly the last one on the list wouldn't normally belong to a woman, but given some of the stuff I've been seeing for sale on eBay recently, ownership isn't completely out of the question. Still, even discounting this, I count three. And that's just off the top of my head. So, yeah, I think you're wrong.

yours,
Simon

Try it and she won't ever see your manhood in flaccid condition

To: Marshall Corbin
Subject: Re: Try it and she won't ever see your manhood in flaccid condition

Marshall,

What is it? Is it glaucoma?

best,
Simon

Your Willy Will Stay Rock-like

To: Church Menohy
Subject: Re: Your Willy Will Stay Rock-like

Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs/Miss/Dr/Prof Menohy (may I call you Church? It avoids the awkward fact that I don't know your gender or appropriate title. Hope this isn't over-familiar - although given that you're writing to me about my penis, let's assume that you aren't too concerned with formal greetings),

If by 'rock-like' you mean grey, cold, damp, a bit crumbly and covered in lichen, then I'd rather it didn't. What kind of a sex life do you image I'd have then? A painful and unsatisfying one, at the very least. If I have any choice in the matter, I'd like - if this isn't asking too much - for it to revert to its original pink, warm and variable-density state. What do I have to do to avoid the permanent petrification thing? Is it money you want? Ritual sacrifice? Please inform.

Best,
Simon

Are you Filthy Rich?

Subject: Re: Are you Filthy Rich?
To: Lelia Blevins

Hi Lelia,

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking, so let me cover a couple of possibilities to avoid misunderstanding:

a) It's probably true that I don't change my bed sheets quite as often as I could, but I don't sweat much, there are generally few other nocturnal leakages, and when there are, these are swiftly dealt with. I shower regularly - with soap! - brush my teeth twice a day and take great pride in the thoroughness of my post-toilet wiping. I'm fortunate enough to have an office-based job, and if I have to perform any manual tasks such as changing the oil on a car, digging shallow graves in remote moorland or shovelling shit, I take the precaution of wearing protective clothing.

b) I like sex, sure, but it never seems to last long enough for me to do anything other than a few fairly straightforward manoeuvres. I once saw a photo of a lady tied up with ropes, but I didn't like it.

Does that help?
Cheers,
Rich

All stars use Acai Berry to have a hot body

Subject: Re: All stars use Acai Berry to have a hot body
To: Jesus Chan

Hello Jesus,

Are you sure? Can you confirm this? I was under the impression that most of them used thermonuclear fusion as a source of heat, with main sequence stars converting hydrogen into helium, post-main sequence ones generally fusing helium into heavier elements like beryllium, carbon and oxygen. If what you're saying is true, then I think it's time to buy shares in Holland & Barrett.

best wishes,
Simon

Set Fire To Your Woman In The Bedroom

Subject: Re: Set Fire To Your Woman In The Bedroom
To: Shemika Liggins

Hi Shemika,

Thanks for your email. Sorry it's taken me a while to write back, I've been in police custody for a while and haven't had access to my computer. Anyway, thought I'd quickly write with a few updates, I know you'll be curious to know what's been happening.

Louise is out of intensive care now and seems to be doing okay, although it'll be a while before the bandages can come off, and she spends most of her time asleep. Not sure I'll get chance to see her before the court case next week, but fingers crossed.

The house is in a bit of a mess, too, and unfortunately I never got round to getting any contents insurance. Sod's law, eh! I don't think any of the neighbouring properties were damaged though, so that's good news.

Has my lawyer been in touch yet? She wanted to ask you a couple of things, so hope you don't mind but I passed your email address on so she could write to you directly. Not sure what that's about, wait and see I guess.

Okay, well, better sign off for now. Hope all's well with you.
Bye!
Simon

Watch Shop

Subject: Re: Watch Shop
To: Myra Romano

Wait, hold on - where are you going? How long will you be? I HAVE NO RETAIL EXPERIENCE! Plus I have a meeting in a couple of hours. Where are the keys? I don't even know how to work the till! What's your returns policy? WHERE ARE THE CARRIER BAGS? Isn't there anyone else you can ask?

You owe me big time for this,
Simon

Do You Still Trust Me?

Subject: Re: Do You Still Trust Me?
To: Vaughn Colon

No. Not after what you did to my dog.

It's best that you don't come round here any more.

Relax, the blue pill will do everything for you

Subject: Re: Relax, the blue pill will do everything for you
To: Floyd Griffin

Floyd,

Great news, I had no idea. Off the top of my head, here's some stuff that needs taking care of:
1. Rising damp in utility room
2. Couple of small scratches to paintwork of passenger side door of the Toyota
3. New logo for an arts-based non-profit
4. We're getting quite low on milk
5. Rob's birthday's coming up, and I haven't got him anything

#3 is pretty urgent - they want to see a first draft by Friday. Other things can wait a while.

Does it automatically know these things? Or do I have to tell it? Let me know.
Cheers,
Simon

Relaxation, Religion or Chocolate?

Subject: Re: Relaxation, Religion or Chocolate?
To: Isango

Dear Isango,

What an exquisite dilemma. I love chocolate with all my heart, but at the same time I'm also in desperate need of relaxation. Tell you what, before we go any further let's rule out religion. I don't have a great deal of interest in any of that right now, and can't imagine doing so in the near future either.

So that leaves us with chocolate or relaxation. The two remaining things are by no means mutually exlusive, of course - I often find that eating chocolate, or even smelling it, is a relaxing experience, although conversely, relaxing rarely creates chocolate. If only it did!

I think I'll go for chocolate then, please. Unless of course it's religious chocolate, in which case I'd prefer a nice box of relaxation. What happens now? Do you need my postal address?

Thanks,
Simon

It is not necessary to be ashamed of yourself

Subject: Re: It is not necessary to be ashamed of yourself
To: Rosendo Tucker

Rosendo,

You wouldn't say that if you saw what I did this morning.

Simon

Ladies Stand Out in a Crowd

Subject: Re: Ladies Stand Out in a Crowd
To: Lacey Hand

Lacey,

This isn't always true. What if it's a crowd of ladies? What if the ladies are small and somewhere near the back? What if they're dressed in camouflage? What then, Lacey? What then?

Thanks,
Simon

How much does it cost to eat in Florida?

Subject: Re: How much does it cost to eat in Florida?
To: Rex Pollard

Dear Rex,

Thank you for your enquiry. I'm pleased to tell you that eating in Florida is absolutely FREE, and there is at present no state-wide charge for the fundamental human activity of chewing and swallowing edible foodstuffs, or indeed any plan to introduce one. Food itself, however, is generally not free. Prices vary depending on the type, quality and quantity of food you wish to acquire, in addition to more subtle factors such as the location of the vendor - as a guide, you could pay anything from as little as 5 cents up to hundreds of dollars. Rest assured though, once you have successfully obtained some food, you will not have to pay again in order to eat it.

For the record, this is also true of the neighbouring states, Georgia and Alabama. As for states further afield, I couldn't say for sure, but on a personal note, I'd be surprised if their laws were any different.

I hope this sets your mind at rest.

Best wishes,
Simon

The affordable watch alternative

Subject: Re: The affordable watch alternative
To: Emory Conrad

Is it a miniature sundial?

Women will stare at your member like at the museum

Subject: Re: Women will stare at your member like at the museum
To: Fernando Heath

Hey Fernando,

You mean they'll be wearing audioguide headphones while getting jostled by groups of squawking school children? I'd rather they didn't, to be honest, that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone.

Yours in nervous anticipation,
Simon

Add mba to your name

Subject: Re: Add mba to your name
To: Gapishko

Dear Gapishko,

What a great idea, thanks! Just contacted my bank, so hopefully new cards and chequebook will be with me shortly. Passport and driving license updates will follow.

Very best wishes,
Simbamon

The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom

Subject: Re: The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom
To: Rusty Lara

Hi Rusty,

If you're talking about, for instance, chocolate cake, then I'm with you 100%, but it's not always true and to be perfectly honest I think it's a bit irresponsible of you to claim otherwise. For reference, here's a short list of things for which bigger is generally accepted to not be better:
Accidentally self-inflicted axe wound
Score of the team you're playing football against
Gallstone
Dog poo on clothing

Please think more carefully before contacting me again.
Simon

Now she can't get her hands off me

Subject: Re: Now she can't get her hands off me
To: Crawford Win

Hi Crawford,

Try acetone - or if you can't get hold of any straight acetone, nail varnish remover should work. Failing that, a soak in good old warm soapy water should eventually do the trick. See this page for more details. Be more careful in future!

Cheers,
Simon