Your Willy Will Stay Rock-like

To: Church Menohy
Subject: Re: Your Willy Will Stay Rock-like

Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs/Miss/Dr/Prof Menohy (may I call you Church? It avoids the awkward fact that I don't know your gender or appropriate title. Hope this isn't over-familiar - although given that you're writing to me about my penis, let's assume that you aren't too concerned with formal greetings),

If by 'rock-like' you mean grey, cold, damp, a bit crumbly and covered in lichen, then I'd rather it didn't. What kind of a sex life do you image I'd have then? A painful and unsatisfying one, at the very least. If I have any choice in the matter, I'd like - if this isn't asking too much - for it to revert to its original pink, warm and variable-density state. What do I have to do to avoid the permanent petrification thing? Is it money you want? Ritual sacrifice? Please inform.

Best,
Simon