Saturday, 24 November 2007

No Fee To Work With Us

To: : Flipper Huntington
Subject: Re: No Fee To Work With Us

Dear Ms Huntington,

Great, then please consider me interested! At my last job, I had to pay the boss £600 a week, rising to £850 once I'd gained the appropriate professional qualifications. I was forced to quit after 4 months when my savings ran out. I'm very excited at the prospect of working for you for free, and appreciate that offers like this don't come along very often. Please send an application form at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Thursday, 22 November 2007

Bigger Dick Is Not Just An Illusion

To: Luigi Sneed
Subject: Re: Bigger Dick Is Not Just An Illusion

Luigi, hi.

Interesting. So you're saying that bigger dick is an illusion, but that's not all - it's something else as well. Hmmm. Personally, I had a feeling that it was an illusion (but I gotta admit, man, I thought it was just an illusion!), but my friend didn't agree, she thought it was actually real. Like, the dick was actually bigger. Ha ha! Wait till I tell her, she'll be so embarrassed.

So, I'm curious to know - what else is it, in addition to being an illusion?

Yours in anticipation,

Saturday, 17 November 2007

May I Ask Why You're So Unhappy With Your Dick?

To: Totally Satisfied
Subject: Re: May I Ask Why You're So Unhappy With Your Dick?

Dear Mr/Ms Satisfied,

Yes, by all means, you may ask me why I'm so unhappy with my dick. I look forward to your question. However, I must warn you that the answer you're likely to receive is not one that you'll be expecting. My instinct tells me that you're looking for me to say something along the lines of 'because it is too tiny!' or even 'because I suffer from erectile dysfunction and cannot pleasure my wife!', and then you'll no doubt reply with the offer of some weird mis-spelled pill for knock-down price that'll solve all of my sex woes. The thing is, I actually quite like my dick. I've seen a few, in real life, on TV, in books etc., and while I'll be the first to admit that it's not the world's most gigantic, it's also, from what I can gather, by no means the world's tiniest. It's not too thin, it's not too fat, it's certainly not too soft, it's not covered in gaping, pustulent sores or absurdly crooked, and it doesn't even usually smell too bad.

So the answer to the question of why I'm so unhappy with my dick, if and when you do get round to asking me, is probably going to be related to the Japanese concept of 'mu'. Here's what we have:
You: Why do you curse your lamentable member?
Me: mu/disconnect/cannot answer

For future reference, here's a more productive line of questioning.
Version 1 -
You: Are you displeased with your tool?
Me: No
You: That's great to hear, you are very fortunate. Many men are unsatisfied and resort to buying medicines of unknown provenance over the internet. Good day to you, and best wishes.

Version 2 -
You: Are you displeased with your tool?
Me: Yes
You: In what way?
Me: It resembles a peanut in both size and colour.
You: I can bring happiness into your life with my home-made pharmaceuticals, which I will sell to you for a mere handful of dollars.
Me: Hooray!

Hope to hear from you soon,

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

She wants a better sex? All you need's here!

To: Reginald
Subject: Re: She wants a better sex? All you need's here!

Dear Reginald,

She, as I’m sure you are aware by your correct use of the appropriate pronoun, is currently female. I’m not sure what methods you are using to judge which sex is better than which - and in this day and age I’d have hoped that you wouldn’t think in terms of either of them being ‘better’ - different, sure, but not ‘better’ - but I’ve just spoken to her and she’s pretty happy as she is, it seems. And let me assure you that if she did harbour thoughts of a sex change, she’s unlikely to want to me to perform the operation, and certainly not with tools purchased via email.


Monday, 12 November 2007

As Your Dick Gets Larger, No Woman Will Say 'No'

To: Donald Z. Goldman
Subject: Re: As Your Dick Gets Larger, No Woman Will Say 'No'

Hi Donald,

Not even to the question 'Is My Dick Too Large?' ?

Looking forward to hearing your answer,

Saturday, 10 November 2007

What is OEM Software and Why d0 you care ??

To: Bradley Gonzalez
Subject: Re: What is OEM Software and Why d0 you care ??

Dear Mr Gonzalez,

Two very good questions. Let me take them in order:

OEM Software is a term used to differentiate that version of the software which is bundled with other hardware or software from that same software package sold on its own as a retail package. The packaging and legal rights that come with the OEM versions of a software package generally differ from what is provided with the retail versions. The functionality of the software is often the same, but it is quite common for the OEM version to be a version with reduced functionality.

I care because utilising OEM Software is a popular business strategy which taps into the original manufacturer’s ability to drive cost out of production of the product through manufacturing economies of scale; thereby being able to pass on a more competitive purchase price to the reseller which, in turn, makes each partner in the transaction more competitive.

I hope this answers your questions. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

Best wishes,

Friday, 9 November 2007

We Cure Any Disease!

To: Bypassing G. Unbridled
Subject: Re: We Cure Any Disease!

Dear Ms. Unbridled,

That’s wonderful news for Multiple Sclerosis sufferers! Not to mention victims of Alzheimer’s, CJD and Cystic Fibrosis! I haven’t noticed any of your research in the British Medical Journal yet - presumably it’s still being peer-reviewed and will be published shortly? At any rate, many congratulations on your achievements, and best wishes for a long and wonderful, disease-free future!