Monday, 31 March 2008

University Degree Opens Any Door

Subject: Re: University Degree Opens Any Door
To: Chance Tapas

Dear Chance,

I was very relieved to get your email. I've been unable to get into the shed for three weeks now, because constant rain has caused the wood to expand: the door itself has jammed into the frame, and consequently the lock mechanism is misaligned and abnormally stiff. Luckily, however, my friend received a 2:1 in Sociology from Hallam University (formerly Sheffield City Polytechnic), and after reading your message I asked her to come round. She's on her way now, so all being well I'll have access to my spanner set within the hour.

Thanks a million for the advice!
Best wishes,

Monday, 24 March 2008

I Am Julia, 27 y.o. Russia (dating)

Subject: Re: I Am Julia, 27 y.o. Russia (dating)
To: Doug Lloyd

Hi Doug,

That's great, I'm really pleased for you. It's good that you're able to explore all your feelings, and great that you're experimenting with different roles. Role playing can be a lot of fun, and I'm sure we all get the desire from time to time to be someone else, to temporarily step into someone else's shoes, or act out a fantasy. It's natural and mostly harmless.

But this is the third time you've written to me today, and each time you've claimed to be someone different. First Stephanie, then Emily, now Julia. None of which, I should point out, are typical Russian names. There comes a time in life when we have to start being honest with others, and more importantly with ourselves.

I just want you to think about that for a while. Would you do that for me? Thanks, Doug.

best wishes,

Thursday, 13 March 2008

I Wanted To Make A Conquest

Subject: Re: I Wanted To Make A Conquest
To: Jami Mccracken

Dear Jami,

You should try Belgium. If you're quick, you can take advantage of the current political crisis there - they still have an interim government in power until the 23rd March. Plus it's really easy to get to. You could get a ferry across from Hull and then a bus or train to Brussels, or better still the Eurostar takes you straight there without worrying about connections.

If you were thinking of somewhere less populated, though, I'd recommend Vanuatu.

Best of luck, and let me know how it goes,

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Please Do Not View

Subject: Re: Please Do Not View
To: Flipper Paul

Ok then, I won't.

Many thanks,

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Your Instrument Is Set To Get Bigger

Subject: Re: Your Instrument Is Set To Get Bigger
To: Gav pin-pin

Hey Gav,

Can you be more specific? Which instrument are you talking about? If it's my banjo, then this is really great news - as you know, it's only really a child's banjo, and my fingers are a bit too fat for the fretboard, so I don't really play it as much as I'd like. Finally having a full-size banjo would be a dream come true.

If on the other hand you're referring to my tuba, then this is not at all good news, and I'd like to know if there's anything I can do to prevent it happening. I have enough trouble reaching the valves as it is, plus if it gets much heavier it'll be really inconvenient to carry around. Is there an opt-out form I can fill in? Or someone I can talk to? Please advise.