Thursday, 18 September 2008

Refinance Your ARM Today

Subject: Re: Refinance Your ARM Today
To: Wendell

Hello Wendell,

Thanks for the instruction. What kind of terms are you offering? Does it matter which one I refinance? I currently have two, but I'm left handed, so the left one is more important to me at the moment. Would I still be able to continue using it? And although I'm generally in reasonable health, I'm probably not as strong as I used to be, so it's fair to say I don't have the biggest biceps in the world. Is this significant? Is hair coverage important? Sorry for the questions, but I hope you can appreciate that I'll need a bit more information before signing any contracts.


Sunday, 14 September 2008

Turn your rifle into a bazooka

Subject: Re: Turn your rifle into a bazooka
To: Kerwin


I don't own a rifle. You may not be aware of this, but the UK has strict gun control laws, and even though I do live in the countryside, there's no reason for me to have one, especially since I generally think of myself as an anti-hunting pacifist.

Did you mean to say trifle?

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Hi. Remember me?

Subject: Re: Hi. Remember me?
To: Grover Vogt

Nope, sorry.

Saturday, 5 April 2008

Guess What Happens Next

Subject: Re: Guess What Happens Next
To: Nowotka

Oh, yeah, I know this one. It's the 2007 Rugby World Cup final between England and South Africa at the Stade de France, right? England's centre Toby Flood challenges South Africa's fullback Percy Montgomery for the ball.


Percy Montgomery crashes into a television camera after being pushed over the dead ball line by Toby Flood. Hilarious! Luckily, as I remember, neither player was hurt - and the TV camera operator escaped unhurt too.

Ask me another!


Monday, 31 March 2008

University Degree Opens Any Door

Subject: Re: University Degree Opens Any Door
To: Chance Tapas

Dear Chance,

I was very relieved to get your email. I've been unable to get into the shed for three weeks now, because constant rain has caused the wood to expand: the door itself has jammed into the frame, and consequently the lock mechanism is misaligned and abnormally stiff. Luckily, however, my friend received a 2:1 in Sociology from Hallam University (formerly Sheffield City Polytechnic), and after reading your message I asked her to come round. She's on her way now, so all being well I'll have access to my spanner set within the hour.

Thanks a million for the advice!
Best wishes,

Monday, 24 March 2008

I Am Julia, 27 y.o. Russia (dating)

Subject: Re: I Am Julia, 27 y.o. Russia (dating)
To: Doug Lloyd

Hi Doug,

That's great, I'm really pleased for you. It's good that you're able to explore all your feelings, and great that you're experimenting with different roles. Role playing can be a lot of fun, and I'm sure we all get the desire from time to time to be someone else, to temporarily step into someone else's shoes, or act out a fantasy. It's natural and mostly harmless.

But this is the third time you've written to me today, and each time you've claimed to be someone different. First Stephanie, then Emily, now Julia. None of which, I should point out, are typical Russian names. There comes a time in life when we have to start being honest with others, and more importantly with ourselves.

I just want you to think about that for a while. Would you do that for me? Thanks, Doug.

best wishes,

Thursday, 13 March 2008

I Wanted To Make A Conquest

Subject: Re: I Wanted To Make A Conquest
To: Jami Mccracken

Dear Jami,

You should try Belgium. If you're quick, you can take advantage of the current political crisis there - they still have an interim government in power until the 23rd March. Plus it's really easy to get to. You could get a ferry across from Hull and then a bus or train to Brussels, or better still the Eurostar takes you straight there without worrying about connections.

If you were thinking of somewhere less populated, though, I'd recommend Vanuatu.

Best of luck, and let me know how it goes,

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Please Do Not View

Subject: Re: Please Do Not View
To: Flipper Paul

Ok then, I won't.

Many thanks,

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Your Instrument Is Set To Get Bigger

Subject: Re: Your Instrument Is Set To Get Bigger
To: Gav pin-pin

Hey Gav,

Can you be more specific? Which instrument are you talking about? If it's my banjo, then this is really great news - as you know, it's only really a child's banjo, and my fingers are a bit too fat for the fretboard, so I don't really play it as much as I'd like. Finally having a full-size banjo would be a dream come true.

If on the other hand you're referring to my tuba, then this is not at all good news, and I'd like to know if there's anything I can do to prevent it happening. I have enough trouble reaching the valves as it is, plus if it gets much heavier it'll be really inconvenient to carry around. Is there an opt-out form I can fill in? Or someone I can talk to? Please advise.


Monday, 25 February 2008

As Soon As You Get This, You Will Forget All Your Worries

Subject: Re: As Soon As You Get This, You Will Forget All Your Worries
To: Godwin Anant

Dear Mr Anant,

My instinct tells me it's a lobotomy, but it could also realistically be Alzheimer's. I hope you can appreciate that I'd need to know for sure before making a commitment.

Best regards,

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

February 84% Off

Subject: February 84% Off
To: V1Agr4

There are only going to be 4.64 days in February this year? Are you kidding me? It's already the 19th. That doesn't make any sense at all. I think you have some serious explaining to do.


Friday, 25 January 2008

See Your Dick Swelling Day By Day

Subject: Re: See Your Dick Swelling Day By Day
To: Giancarlo Ibrahim


At what point do you expect it to stop? Will it ever stop, do you think? Curious to know whether I'll have to buy new trousers, or worse, a new house.

Please write back ASAP.