Relaxation, Religion or Chocolate?

Subject: Re: Relaxation, Religion or Chocolate?
To: Isango

Dear Isango,

What an exquisite dilemma. I love chocolate with all my heart, but at the same time I'm also in desperate need of relaxation. Tell you what, before we go any further let's rule out religion. I don't have a great deal of interest in any of that right now, and can't imagine doing so in the near future either.

So that leaves us with chocolate or relaxation. The two remaining things are by no means mutually exlusive, of course - I often find that eating chocolate, or even smelling it, is a relaxing experience, although conversely, relaxing rarely creates chocolate. If only it did!

I think I'll go for chocolate then, please. Unless of course it's religious chocolate, in which case I'd prefer a nice box of relaxation. What happens now? Do you need my postal address?

Thanks,
Simon

It is not necessary to be ashamed of yourself

Subject: Re: It is not necessary to be ashamed of yourself
To: Rosendo Tucker

Rosendo,

You wouldn't say that if you saw what I did this morning.

Simon

Ladies Stand Out in a Crowd

Subject: Re: Ladies Stand Out in a Crowd
To: Lacey Hand

Lacey,

This isn't always true. What if it's a crowd of ladies? What if the ladies are small and somewhere near the back? What if they're dressed in camouflage? What then, Lacey? What then?

Thanks,
Simon

How much does it cost to eat in Florida?

Subject: Re: How much does it cost to eat in Florida?
To: Rex Pollard

Dear Rex,

Thank you for you enquiry. I'm pleased to tell you that eating in Florida is absolutely FREE, and there is at present no state-wide charge for the fundamental human activity of chewing and swallowing edible foodstuffs, or indeed any plan to introduce one. Food itself, however, is generally not free. Prices vary depending on the type, quality and quantity of food you wish to acquire, in addition to more subtle factors such as the location of the vendor - as a guide, you could pay anything from as little as 5 cents up to hundreds of dollars. Rest assured though, once you have successfully obtained some food, you will not have to pay again in order to eat it.

For the record, this is also true of the neighbouring states, Georgia and Alabama. As for states further afield, I couldn't say for sure, but on a personal note, I'd be surprised if their laws were any different.

I hope this sets your mind at rest.

Best wishes,
Simon

The affordable watch alternative

Subject: Re: The affordable watch alternative
To: Emory Conrad

Is it a miniature sundial?

Women will stare at your member like at the museum

Subject: Re: Women will stare at your member like at the museum
To: Fernando Heath

Hey Fernando,

You mean they'll be wearing audioguide headphones while getting jostled by groups of squawking school children? I'd rather they didn't, to be honest, that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone.

Yours in nervous anticipation,
Simon

Add mba to your name

Subject: Re: Add mba to your name
To: Gapishko

Dear Gapishko,

What a great idea, thanks! Just contacted my bank, so hopefully new cards and chequebook will be with me shortly. Passport and driving license updates will follow.

Very best wishes,
Simbamon

The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom

Subject: Re: The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom
To: Rusty Lara

Hi Rusty,

If you're talking about, for instance, chocolate cake, then I'm with you 100%, but it's not always true and to be perfectly honest I think it's a bit irresponsible of you to claim otherwise. For reference, here's a short list of things for which bigger is generally accepted to not be better:
Accidentally self-inflicted axe wound
Score of the team you're playing football against
Gallstone
Dog poo on clothing

Please think more carefully before contacting me again.
Simon

Now she can't get her hands off me

Subject: Re: Now she can't get her hands off me
To: Crawford Win

Hi Crawford,

Try acetone - or if you can't get hold of any straight acetone, nail varnish remover should work. Failing that, a soak in good old warm soapy water should eventually do the trick. See this page for more details. Be more careful in future!

Cheers,
Simon

Amaze your girl with your new dimension

Subject: Re: Amaze your girl with your new dimension
To: Juana Billings

Ms Billings,

As you will no doubt be aware, I recently started to exist in Minkowski spacetime. I did as you suggested and attempted to amaze my girl, but as she only currently exists in conventional Euclidean space, she lacks the faculties necessary to understand what I was doing or where I was going, and my to-ing and fro-ing in the fourth dimension was entirely lost on her. As a compromise, I jumped up and down on the bed - motion along the traditional Cartesian z-coordinate - but she's seen that kind of thing before, and was not particularly impressed.

Sorry it didn't work out,
Best,
Simon