Sincere Responses To Spam

A decent watch will raise you in the eyes of everybody

2010-12-18T01:57:00.003Z

To: Chang Yeager
Subject: Re: A decent watch will raise you in the eyes of everybody

Chang,
I'm sure it will, yeah, but only by half an inch at the most, right? Surely I'd be better off standing on some sort of box? Like a milk crate or something? Or how about a ladder? Would that be too obvious?

Let me know, thanks,
Simon

Watch Her Blow Your Little Monster

2010-11-14T02:01:00.005Z

To: Your Happiness
Subject: Re: Watch Her Blow Your Little Monster

Dear Mr Happiness,

Thanks for your email. I did as you instructed. It was fun. Here is a photograph to prove it.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

Best wishes,
Simon

A big penis always matches any woman's hole

2010-09-05T20:32:00.002+01:00

To: Inez Burgos
Subject: Re: A big penis always matches any woman's hole

Inez,

I think you're wrong. Off the top of my head I can think of a few women's holes that a big penis would not match. Here are some:
1. A very small hole
2. An enormous hole
3. A key hole
4. A Schwarzschild non-rotating black hole

Admittedly the last one on the list wouldn't normally belong to a woman, but given some of the stuff I've been seeing for sale on eBay recently, ownership isn't completely out of the question. Still, even discounting this, I count three. And that's just off the top of my head. So, yeah, I think you're wrong.

yours,
Simon

Try it and she won't ever see your manhood in flaccid condition

2010-08-26T22:08:00.002+01:00

To: Marshall Corbin
Subject: Re: Try it and she won't ever see your manhood in flaccid condition

Marshall,

What is it? Is it glaucoma?

best,
Simon

Your Willy Will Stay Rock-like

2010-08-22T16:09:00.004+01:00

To: Church Menohy
Subject: Re: Your Willy Will Stay Rock-like

Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs/Miss/Dr/Prof Menohy (may I call you Church? It avoids the awkward fact that I don't know your gender or appropriate title. Hope this isn't over-familiar - although given that you're writing to me about my penis, let's assume that you aren't too concerned with formal greetings),

If by 'rock-like' you mean grey, cold, damp, a bit crumbly and covered in lichen, then I'd rather it didn't. What kind of a sex life do you image I'd have then? A painful and unsatisfying one, at the very least. If I have any choice in the matter, I'd like - if this isn't asking too much - for it to revert to its original pink, warm and variable-density state. What do I have to do to avoid the permanent petrification thing? Is it money you want? Ritual sacrifice? Please inform.

Best,
Simon

Are you Filthy Rich?

2010-06-29T05:37:00.003+01:00

Subject: Re: Are you Filthy Rich?
To: Lelia Blevins

Hi Lelia,

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking, so let me cover a couple of possibilities to avoid misunderstanding:

a) It's probably true that I don't change my bed sheets quite as often as I could, but I don't sweat much, there are generally few other nocturnal leakages, and when there are, these are swiftly dealt with. I shower regularly - with soap! - brush my teeth twice a day and take great pride in the thoroughness of my post-toilet wiping. I'm fortunate enough to have an office-based job, and if I have to perform any manual tasks such as changing the oil on a car, digging shallow graves in remote moorland or shovelling shit, I take the precaution of wearing protective clothing.

b) I like sex, sure, but it never seems to last long enough for me to do anything other than a few fairly straightforward manoeuvres. I once saw a photo of a lady tied up with ropes, but I didn't like it.

Does that help?
Cheers,
Rich

All stars use Acai Berry to have a hot body

2009-11-10T00:23:00.003Z

Subject: Re: All stars use Acai Berry to have a hot body
To: Jesus Chan

Hello Jesus,

Are you sure? Can you confirm this? I was under the impression that most of them used thermonuclear fusion as a source of heat, with main sequence stars converting hydrogen into helium, post-main sequence ones generally fusing helium into heavier elements like beryllium, carbon and oxygen. If what you're saying is true, then I think it's time to buy shares in Holland & Barrett.

best wishes,
Simon

Set Fire To Your Woman In The Bedroom

2009-11-07T00:29:00.002Z

Subject: Re: Set Fire To Your Woman In The Bedroom
To: Shemika Liggins

Hi Shemika,

Thanks for your email. Sorry it's taken me a while to write back, I've been in police custody for a while and haven't had access to my computer. Anyway, thought I'd quickly write with a few updates, I know you'll be curious to know what's been happening.

Louise is out of intensive care now and seems to be doing okay, although it'll be a while before the bandages can come off, and she spends most of her time asleep. Not sure I'll get chance to see her before the court case next week, but fingers crossed.

The house is in a bit of a mess, too, and unfortunately I never got round to getting any contents insurance. Sod's law, eh! I don't think any of the neighbouring properties were damaged though, so that's good news.

Has my lawyer been in touch yet? She wanted to ask you a couple of things, so hope you don't mind but I passed your email address on so she could write to you directly. Not sure what that's about, wait and see I guess.

Okay, well, better sign off for now. Hope all's well with you.
Bye!
Simon

Watch Shop

2009-11-06T11:23:00.003Z

Subject: Re: Watch Shop
To: Myra Romano

Wait, hold on - where are you going? How long will you be? I HAVE NO RETAIL EXPERIENCE! Plus I have a meeting in a couple of hours. Where are the keys? I don't even know how to work the till! What's your returns policy? WHERE ARE THE CARRIER BAGS? Isn't there anyone else you can ask?

You owe me big time for this,
Simon

Do You Still Trust Me?

2009-11-06T11:19:00.001Z

Subject: Re: Do You Still Trust Me?
To: Vaughn Colon

No. Not after what you did to my dog.

It's best that you don't come round here any more.

Relax, the blue pill will do everything for you

2009-08-27T01:25:00.004+01:00

Subject: Re: Relax, the blue pill will do everything for you
To: Floyd Griffin

Floyd,

Great news, I had no idea. Off the top of my head, here's some stuff that needs taking care of:
1. Rising damp in utility room
2. Couple of small scratches to paintwork of passenger side door of the Toyota
3. New logo for an arts-based non-profit
4. We're getting quite low on milk
5. Rob's birthday's coming up, and I haven't got him anything

#3 is pretty urgent - they want to see a first draft by Friday. Other things can wait a while.

Does it automatically know these things? Or do I have to tell it? Let me know.
Cheers,
Simon

Relaxation, Religion or Chocolate?

2009-04-07T23:17:00.003+01:00

Subject: Re: Relaxation, Religion or Chocolate?
To: Isango

Dear Isango,

What an exquisite dilemma. I love chocolate with all my heart, but at the same time I'm also in desperate need of relaxation. Tell you what, before we go any further let's rule out religion. I don't have a great deal of interest in any of that right now, and can't imagine doing so in the near future either.

So that leaves us with chocolate or relaxation. The two remaining things are by no means mutually exlusive, of course - I often find that eating chocolate, or even smelling it, is a relaxing experience, although conversely, relaxing rarely creates chocolate. If only it did!

I think I'll go for chocolate then, please. Unless of course it's religious chocolate, in which case I'd prefer a nice box of relaxation. What happens now? Do you need my postal address?

Thanks,
Simon

It is not necessary to be ashamed of yourself

2009-03-25T14:00:00.001Z

Subject: Re: It is not necessary to be ashamed of yourself
To: Rosendo Tucker

Rosendo,

You wouldn't say that if you saw what I did this morning.

Simon

Ladies Stand Out in a Crowd

2009-03-23T17:45:00.002Z

Subject: Re: Ladies Stand Out in a Crowd
To: Lacey Hand

Lacey,

This isn't always true. What if it's a crowd of ladies? What if the ladies are small and somewhere near the back? What if they're dressed in camouflage? What then, Lacey? What then?

Thanks,
Simon

How much does it cost to eat in Florida?

2009-03-19T18:38:00.006Z

Subject: Re: How much does it cost to eat in Florida?
To: Rex Pollard

Dear Rex,

Thank you for your enquiry. I'm pleased to tell you that eating in Florida is absolutely FREE, and there is at present no state-wide charge for the fundamental human activity of chewing and swallowing edible foodstuffs, or indeed any plan to introduce one. Food itself, however, is generally not free. Prices vary depending on the type, quality and quantity of food you wish to acquire, in addition to more subtle factors such as the location of the vendor - as a guide, you could pay anything from as little as 5 cents up to hundreds of dollars. Rest assured though, once you have successfully obtained some food, you will not have to pay again in order to eat it.

For the record, this is also true of the neighbouring states, Georgia and Alabama. As for states further afield, I couldn't say for sure, but on a personal note, I'd be surprised if their laws were any different.

I hope this sets your mind at rest.

Best wishes,
Simon

The affordable watch alternative

2009-02-01T19:47:00.000Z

Subject: Re: The affordable watch alternative
To: Emory Conrad

Is it a miniature sundial?

Women will stare at your member like at the museum

2009-01-09T03:18:00.003Z

Subject: Re: Women will stare at your member like at the museum
To: Fernando Heath

Hey Fernando,

You mean they'll be wearing audioguide headphones while getting jostled by groups of squawking school children? I'd rather they didn't, to be honest, that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone.

Yours in nervous anticipation,
Simon

Add mba to your name

2009-01-07T15:27:00.002Z

Subject: Re: Add mba to your name
To: Gapishko

Dear Gapishko,

What a great idea, thanks! Just contacted my bank, so hopefully new cards and chequebook will be with me shortly. Passport and driving license updates will follow.

Very best wishes,
Simbamon

The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom

2009-01-07T01:13:00.003Z

Subject: Re: The bigger the better - it's a well known axiom
To: Rusty Lara

Hi Rusty,

If you're talking about, for instance, chocolate cake, then I'm with you 100%, but it's not always true and to be perfectly honest I think it's a bit irresponsible of you to claim otherwise. For reference, here's a short list of things for which bigger is generally accepted to not be better:
Accidentally self-inflicted axe wound
Score of the team you're playing football against
Gallstone
Dog poo on clothing

Please think more carefully before contacting me again.
Simon

Now she can't get her hands off me

2009-01-04T15:39:00.002Z

Subject: Re: Now she can't get her hands off me
To: Crawford Win

Hi Crawford,

Try acetone - or if you can't get hold of any straight acetone, nail varnish remover should work. Failing that, a soak in good old warm soapy water should eventually do the trick. See this page for more details. Be more careful in future!

Cheers,
Simon

Amaze your girl with your new dimension

2009-01-02T05:57:00.004Z

Subject: Re: Amaze your girl with your new dimension
To: Juana Billings

Ms Billings,

As you will no doubt be aware, I recently started to exist in Minkowski spacetime. I did as you suggested and attempted to amaze my girl, but as she only currently exists in conventional Euclidean space, she lacks the faculties necessary to understand what I was doing or where I was going, and my to-ing and fro-ing in the fourth dimension was entirely lost on her. As a compromise, I jumped up and down on the bed - motion along the traditional Cartesian z-coordinate - but she's seen that kind of thing before, and was not particularly impressed.

Sorry it didn't work out,
Best,
Simon

Over 10 million men made their women happy, and you?

2009-01-01T16:31:00.004Z

Subject: Re: Over 10 million men made their women happy, and you?
To: Albrecht Collier

Dear Mr Collier,

At the time of writing, over 10 million men have not yet made me happy. Rest assured I will let you know if the situation changes.

Best wishes,
Simon

Refinance Your ARM Today

2008-09-18T17:51:00.004+01:00

Subject: Re: Refinance Your ARM Today
To: Wendell

Hello Wendell,

Thanks for the instruction. What kind of terms are you offering? Does it matter which one I refinance? I currently have two, but I'm left handed, so the left one is more important to me at the moment. Would I still be able to continue using it? And although I'm generally in reasonable health, I'm probably not as strong as I used to be, so it's fair to say I don't have the biggest biceps in the world. Is this significant? Is hair coverage important? Sorry for the questions, but I hope you can appreciate that I'll need a bit more information before signing any contracts.

Thanks,
Simon

Turn your rifle into a bazooka

2008-09-14T22:10:00.003+01:00

Subject: Re: Turn your rifle into a bazooka
To: Kerwin

Kerwin,

I don't own a rifle. You may not be aware of this, but the UK has strict gun control laws, and even though I do live in the countryside, there's no reason for me to have one, especially since I generally think of myself as an anti-hunting pacifist.

Did you mean to say trifle?

Hi. Remember me?

2008-04-23T00:07:00.001+01:00

Subject: Re: Hi. Remember me?
To: Grover Vogt

Nope, sorry.

Guess What Happens Next

2008-04-05T19:32:00.002+01:00

Subject: Re: Guess What Happens Next
To: Nowotka

Oh, yeah, I know this one. It's the 2007 Rugby World Cup final between England and South Africa at the Stade de France, right? England's centre Toby Flood challenges South Africa's fullback Percy Montgomery for the ball.

Then...

Percy Montgomery crashes into a television camera after being pushed over the dead ball line by Toby Flood. Hilarious! Luckily, as I remember, neither player was hurt - and the TV camera operator escaped unhurt too.

Ask me another!

Simon

University Degree Opens Any Door

2008-03-31T21:18:00.003+01:00

Subject: Re: University Degree Opens Any Door
To: Chance Tapas

Dear Chance,

I was very relieved to get your email. I've been unable to get into the shed for three weeks now, because constant rain has caused the wood to expand: the door itself has jammed into the frame, and consequently the lock mechanism is misaligned and abnormally stiff. Luckily, however, my friend received a 2:1 in Sociology from Hallam University (formerly Sheffield City Polytechnic), and after reading your message I asked her to come round. She's on her way now, so all being well I'll have access to my spanner set within the hour.

Thanks a million for the advice!
Best wishes,
Simon

I Am Julia, 27 y.o. Russia (dating)

2008-03-24T21:18:00.003Z

Subject: Re: I Am Julia, 27 y.o. Russia (dating)
To: Doug Lloyd

Hi Doug,

That's great, I'm really pleased for you. It's good that you're able to explore all your feelings, and great that you're experimenting with different roles. Role playing can be a lot of fun, and I'm sure we all get the desire from time to time to be someone else, to temporarily step into someone else's shoes, or act out a fantasy. It's natural and mostly harmless.

But this is the third time you've written to me today, and each time you've claimed to be someone different. First Stephanie, then Emily, now Julia. None of which, I should point out, are typical Russian names. There comes a time in life when we have to start being honest with others, and more importantly with ourselves.

I just want you to think about that for a while. Would you do that for me? Thanks, Doug.

best wishes,
Simon

I Wanted To Make A Conquest

2008-03-13T01:29:00.002Z

Subject: Re: I Wanted To Make A Conquest
To: Jami Mccracken

Dear Jami,

You should try Belgium. If you're quick, you can take advantage of the current political crisis there - they still have an interim government in power until the 23rd March. Plus it's really easy to get to. You could get a ferry across from Hull and then a bus or train to Brussels, or better still the Eurostar takes you straight there without worrying about connections.

If you were thinking of somewhere less populated, though, I'd recommend Vanuatu.

Best of luck, and let me know how it goes,
Simon

Please Do Not View

2008-03-06T10:13:00.001Z

Subject: Re: Please Do Not View
To: Flipper Paul

Ok then, I won't.

Many thanks,
Simon

Your Instrument Is Set To Get Bigger

2008-03-04T21:27:00.001Z

Subject: Re: Your Instrument Is Set To Get Bigger
To: Gav pin-pin

Hey Gav,

Can you be more specific? Which instrument are you talking about? If it's my banjo, then this is really great news - as you know, it's only really a child's banjo, and my fingers are a bit too fat for the fretboard, so I don't really play it as much as I'd like. Finally having a full-size banjo would be a dream come true.

If on the other hand you're referring to my tuba, then this is not at all good news, and I'd like to know if there's anything I can do to prevent it happening. I have enough trouble reaching the valves as it is, plus if it gets much heavier it'll be really inconvenient to carry around. Is there an opt-out form I can fill in? Or someone I can talk to? Please advise.

Regards,
Simon

As Soon As You Get This, You Will Forget All Your Worries

2008-02-25T16:55:00.002Z

Subject: Re: As Soon As You Get This, You Will Forget All Your Worries
To: Godwin Anant

Dear Mr Anant,

My instinct tells me it's a lobotomy, but it could also realistically be Alzheimer's. I hope you can appreciate that I'd need to know for sure before making a commitment.

Best regards,
Simon

February 84% Off

2008-02-19T18:19:00.003Z

Subject: February 84% Off
To: V1Agr4

There are only going to be 4.64 days in February this year? Are you kidding me? It's already the 19th. That doesn't make any sense at all. I think you have some serious explaining to do.

Simon

See Your Dick Swelling Day By Day

2008-01-25T18:59:00.000Z

Subject: Re: See Your Dick Swelling Day By Day
To: Giancarlo Ibrahim

Giancarlo,

At what point do you expect it to stop? Will it ever stop, do you think? Curious to know whether I'll have to buy new trousers, or worse, a new house.

Please write back ASAP.
Simon

ObviousBodypart

2007-12-07T00:51:00.000Z

To: Wendell Bullock
Subject: Re: ObviousBodypart

Hi Wendell,

Is it... the leg?

cheers,
Simon

No Fee To Work With Us

2007-11-24T22:36:00.000Z

To: : Flipper Huntington
Subject: Re: No Fee To Work With Us

Dear Ms Huntington,

Great, then please consider me interested! At my last job, I had to pay the boss £600 a week, rising to £850 once I'd gained the appropriate professional qualifications. I was forced to quit after 4 months when my savings ran out. I'm very excited at the prospect of working for you for free, and appreciate that offers like this don't come along very often. Please send an application form at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,
Simon

Bigger Dick Is Not Just An Illusion

2007-11-22T19:41:00.000Z

To: Luigi Sneed
Subject: Re: Bigger Dick Is Not Just An Illusion

Luigi, hi.

Interesting. So you're saying that bigger dick is an illusion, but that's not all - it's something else as well. Hmmm. Personally, I had a feeling that it was an illusion (but I gotta admit, man, I thought it was just an illusion!), but my friend didn't agree, she thought it was actually real. Like, the dick was actually bigger. Ha ha! Wait till I tell her, she'll be so embarrassed.

So, I'm curious to know - what else is it, in addition to being an illusion?

Yours in anticipation,
Simon

May I Ask Why You're So Unhappy With Your Dick?

2007-11-17T22:31:00.001Z

To: Totally Satisfied
Subject: Re: May I Ask Why You're So Unhappy With Your Dick?

Dear Mr/Ms Satisfied,

Yes, by all means, you may ask me why I'm so unhappy with my dick. I look forward to your question. However, I must warn you that the answer you're likely to receive is not one that you'll be expecting. My instinct tells me that you're looking for me to say something along the lines of 'because it is too tiny!' or even 'because I suffer from erectile dysfunction and cannot pleasure my wife!', and then you'll no doubt reply with the offer of some weird mis-spelled pill for knock-down price that'll solve all of my sex woes. The thing is, I actually quite like my dick. I've seen a few, in real life, on TV, in books etc., and while I'll be the first to admit that it's not the world's most gigantic, it's also, from what I can gather, by no means the world's tiniest. It's not too thin, it's not too fat, it's certainly not too soft, it's not covered in gaping, pustulent sores or absurdly crooked, and it doesn't even usually smell too bad.

So the answer to the question of why I'm so unhappy with my dick, if and when you do get round to asking me, is probably going to be related to the Japanese concept of 'mu'. Here's what we have:
You: Why do you curse your lamentable member?
Me: mu/disconnect/cannot answer

For future reference, here's a more productive line of questioning.
Version 1 -
You: Are you displeased with your tool?
Me: No
You: That's great to hear, you are very fortunate. Many men are unsatisfied and resort to buying medicines of unknown provenance over the internet. Good day to you, and best wishes.

Version 2 -
You: Are you displeased with your tool?
Me: Yes
You: In what way?
Me: It resembles a peanut in both size and colour.
You: I can bring happiness into your life with my home-made pharmaceuticals, which I will sell to you for a mere handful of dollars.
Me: Hooray!

Hope to hear from you soon,
Regards,
Simon

She wants a better sex? All you need's here!

2007-11-14T21:38:00.000Z

To: Reginald
Subject: Re: She wants a better sex? All you need's here!

Dear Reginald,

She, as I’m sure you are aware by your correct use of the appropriate pronoun, is currently female. I’m not sure what methods you are using to judge which sex is better than which - and in this day and age I’d have hoped that you wouldn’t think in terms of either of them being ‘better’ - different, sure, but not ‘better’ - but I’ve just spoken to her and she’s pretty happy as she is, it seems. And let me assure you that if she did harbour thoughts of a sex change, she’s unlikely to want to me to perform the operation, and certainly not with tools purchased via email.

Yours,
Simon

As Your Dick Gets Larger, No Woman Will Say 'No'

2007-11-12T13:50:00.000Z

To: Donald Z. Goldman
Subject: Re: As Your Dick Gets Larger, No Woman Will Say 'No'

Hi Donald,

Not even to the question 'Is My Dick Too Large?' ?

Looking forward to hearing your answer,
Simon

What is OEM Software and Why d0 you care ??

2007-11-10T03:40:00.001Z

To: Bradley Gonzalez
Subject: Re: What is OEM Software and Why d0 you care ??

Dear Mr Gonzalez,

Two very good questions. Let me take them in order:

OEM Software is a term used to differentiate that version of the software which is bundled with other hardware or software from that same software package sold on its own as a retail package. The packaging and legal rights that come with the OEM versions of a software package generally differ from what is provided with the retail versions. The functionality of the software is often the same, but it is quite common for the OEM version to be a version with reduced functionality.

I care because utilising OEM Software is a popular business strategy which taps into the original manufacturer’s ability to drive cost out of production of the product through manufacturing economies of scale; thereby being able to pass on a more competitive purchase price to the reseller which, in turn, makes each partner in the transaction more competitive.

I hope this answers your questions. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

Best wishes,
Simon

We Cure Any Disease!

2007-11-09T13:52:00.000Z

To: Bypassing G. Unbridled
Subject: Re: We Cure Any Disease!

Dear Ms. Unbridled,

That’s wonderful news for Multiple Sclerosis sufferers! Not to mention victims of Alzheimer’s, CJD and Cystic Fibrosis! I haven’t noticed any of your research in the British Medical Journal yet - presumably it’s still being peer-reviewed and will be published shortly? At any rate, many congratulations on your achievements, and best wishes for a long and wonderful, disease-free future!

Cheers,
Simon